BLENDED FAMILY...Building a Life Together

Outside of the land of television and movies, so-called “blended families” face tremendous challenges. Whereas Hollywood can help their “make-believe” families “blend” rather nicely, real life isn’t always so kind. When a couple remarries and there are children involved, it’s crucial for this new family unit to really feel like a family. In Resolving Conflict in the Blended Family by Tom and Adrienne Frydenger, the authors suggest that one of the most effective ways for creating that sense of family is the “team building” concept. Here’s how it works – 1. A team builder values other people. If there are step-children in the home who feel their opinions don’t matter, they’ll be less likely to want to be a part of this new blended family unit. 2. A team builder isn’t quick to judge the opinions of others. They know that these differences aren’t necessarily right or wrong – just different. 3. A team builder views these differences as opportunities for growth. They prov...

Many families today are blending members from past relationships. It would be easy to give up when faced with all the conflicting methods of parenting and discipline that come to a family who has joined forces together. As I was doing research for a recent book, I interviewed a young counselor at a youth camp. I was impressed with her sincerity, maturity, and gratitude that her “blended family" had made the effort and sacrifice to work together toward a common goal. She admitted that she was the instigator of most of the conflict and absolutely refused to cooperate on even the most menial request by her step-mother. She could tell that the adults were becoming increasingly unhappy and stressed and she was secretly glad that they were suffering. Then an interesting thing happened. She was invited to spend a weekend with a friend and she saw what happens when families get along and support one another. The family held a family meeting to decide about some upcoming projects and cho...

In a day and age of fifty percent divorce rates, affecting those in the church as much as society in general, more and more families are struggling with issues of his, hers and ours—children, that is. Unfortunately, while more and more people are facing issues with “blending families,” few are actually prepared for the rigors and trials of step-parenting. In fact, this is perhaps the greatest issue facing blended families: a lack of preparation, training and understanding of the issues they will be facing. Consider the situation. A man, previously married, has developed his own parenting style with his children, and the children are familiar with what to expect from their father and are loyal to him. Meanwhile, a woman, previously married, has developed her parenting style with her children, and they know what to expect from her and are loyal to her. The man and woman fall in love and plan a life together, but forget that their children will join t...

The shape of the American family is changing for the better, becoming more inclusive, more diverse, and more extended. Shared custody(both legal and physical) is becoming more the norm, and unlike in the past—when many biofathers left the scene—biodads are often very involved in parenting their kids after a divorce. More involvement means more adults in parenting roles and far more well-combined families. The only problem with this improved state of affairs is that the more people there are involved in any activity, the more time it takes to plan things and to negotiate through differences of opinion. (Hey, as far as I'm concerned, this caffeine-based, gotta-hurry generation could all use a little more slowing down and time-taking anyway.) The Value of the Extended Family Children need other people (don't we all?). Kids do best (and parents, stepparents, and families survive intact) when there's a support network of many people, including relatives, adult friends, teache...

Q: As a stepparent, do I have the same rights and responsibilities as the "biological" parent, who I am married to? Can the other (never married) biological parent legally tell me to never discipline their child? In a custody dispute between the biological parents, do I have any rights? A: Consult a lawyer for the pertinent family law in your state. However, in general, stepparents do not hold custody rights unless custody is taken away from a biological parent and given by law to caretakers other than biological parents. It is usually the case that a parent's natural rights continue whether or not the parents have been married. Therefore, unless it is the case that the biological father is actually deemed incompetent to parent, (or voluntarily relinquishes his rights so that you may legally adopt) you will fare...

All families struggle at times to be happy, but blended families often have bigger obstacles to face than others. For instance, the quality of the relationship between the stepparent and the stepchildren has a big impact on the level of happiness in a blended family. Loyalty issues with the biological children and knowing how to discipline also add major complications. To meet these challenges well, a husband and wife must make their relationship to each other the top priority ( Genesis 2:24 ). All efforts toward a happy home are useless if you don't consider your spouse's feelings and make decisions together. A spouse whose feelings are ignored will begin to feel neglected, insecure, and unloved, which creates unhappiness. It's important for spouses to discuss everything and make decisions only after they have come to an agreement. It takes a lot of time to build loving relationships in a blended family. Emotional bonds don't happen overnight, and it's unrealistic...

I’ll never forget it. Elizabeth Einstein, a well-respected stepfamily author and trainer, stunned a group of ministers when she told us to make remarriage difficult for couples in our churches (1). She wasn’t implying that remarriage is wrong, but was simply suggesting that remarriage—particularly when children are involved—is very challenging and that couples should count the cost and be highly educated about the process before getting married. Eyes Wide Open The following list represents key "costs" and "challenges" every single-parent (or those dating a single-parent) should know before deciding to remarry. Open wide both your eyes now and you—and your children—will be grateful later. 1. Wait 2-3 years following divorce or the death of your spouse be...

Weighing the protection of children against the rights of the parents. When does discipline cross the line to become abuse? It’s a tough challenge for the child welfare system to weigh the protection of children against the rights of parents. In the United States there are only 25,000 caseworkers charged with investigating nearly 2 million child abuse claims each year. With extraordinary access from the Indiana Supreme Court, MSNBC-TV took an unprecedented look inside the complex world of child abuse investigators. This is the story of one family torn apart when one of their children makes a claim that ultimately causes trauma for them all. You can decide who is telling the truth and ultimately whether the state’s actions were in the children’s best interest. It was a quiet spring night in Indianapolis in a blue-collar neighborhood on the city’s south side. A phone call earlier in the day had set off a chain of events. The call brought a child welfare investigator to the home o...

If you are in a blended family, you know that living in that environment can be a bumpy road in life! The process of blending two families into one is often extremely challenging. When two people marry, they always hope to live happily ever after. For first time marriages the success rate is near 50%. However, when people with children marry a 2nd or 3rd time, or when a person marries a spouse with children, the statistics change significantly. The high divorce rate in the world in the last several years has led to a high number of blended families, and the number grows each day. Why is the divorce rate higher in blended families? A marriage that creates a stepfamily has more dynamics to deal with than a first-time marriage. These dynamics include such things as children from one or both spouses, possible rejection of the step-parent by the children, interference from former spouses, two sets of rules, two types of discipline, many personalities, possible custody or child-support court...

Parenting holds a great many challenges. Little is more challenging than the role of Christian stepparent. In short, the stepparent joins the biological parent in raising his or her child, but does so initially without a clear bond with the child. Parental authority is based on the depth of relationship between adult and child. The stepparent-stepchild relationship is weak due to little emotional connection and only a brief shared history (developed while the adults were courting), making the stepparent's role very difficult and frustrating. Consider the email I received from a biological father looking for help: "Jean is the stepmother to my seven year old son. In the past ten weeks, a very intense relationship has developed between them. Once inseparable, Jean now wants nothing to do with him and has told him as much. This has strained our marriage, and she has talked about leaving. Our marriage is as perfect as one can get when my son is visiting his mother, but when he re...

“Mommy, Mommy, Mommy,” chanted my newly acquired daughter as she held my hand and skipped with joy beside me shortly after her father and I had said, “I Do.” I was tickled that this little eight-year-old girl who had been raised by her father for over four years was so gleeful to have me as her new Mommy. Little did I know that the first chance my natural born children had to speak with her alone that day, they let her know that I was THEIR Mommy, not hers or her brother’s. My kids explained that just because their Dad had married their Mom, did not give them permission to call their mother “Mommy”. They assured these younger children that they had no intention of calling their father “Dad”. I didn’t hear about this encounter on my wedding day. The children told me eight years later. On our honeymoon weekend, I had no clue that the beginning of “Xtreme Sibling Rivalry” had begun at our dear friend’s house, where our children were staying. Because I was marrying a man who ...

Being a stepparent can be very challenging. Steve Arterburn, of New Life Ministries, offers these suggestions. 1. You must “connect” with the children at their point of emotional need. Remarriage is a challenge for everyone, but especially the children. For most children, their parent’s decision to remarry represents the loss of the dream that their biological parents will reunite. Even children whose parents had a terrible relationship have the fantasy that someday everyone will be happy. The grief associated with this loss is painful and can last a long time. 2. Encourage your children to talk about their feelings. You may not like everything you hear, but your children need a safe and nurturing environment to respectfully share their emotions. The best way to encourage your children to open up is to set the example. When you are transparent about your feelings you foster the security and trust they long for. 3. Have realistic expectations. Getting to know each other ...

No one tears a patch from a new garment and sews it on an old one. If he does, he will have torn the new garment, and the patch from the new will not match the old. ~ Luke 5:36 The wallpaper in the children’s guest bathroom gave me nightmares. It looked like a big coloring book with partially colored characters of children playing happily all over the walls. The uncolored characters seemed to beckon any child who entered the room to pick up their crayons and finish the job. In fact, my husband obliged these happy little faces on the wall by giving his daughters crayons while they sat on the potty. Wisely, I held my tongue after seeing this wallpaper, but a notation was made in my mind to change it as soon as possible. After Harvey and I married, my children and I moved into the house he had shared with his ex-wife and daughters. Because my husband’s business is located on the adjoining property, moving to another house was not an option for us. I didn’t mind living in this ...

My husband Charles and I stood in front of the minister holding hands with one another and with our five children. It was our wedding day--the second marriage for both of us. We included our daughters and sons in the service because they, perhaps even more than we, would be forever affected by the vows we were about to exchange. Later that morning when we walked out the door of the little village church, we went from being two individual families to one blended family. As the formerly married marry again and bring their natural children into the new relationship, as we did eighteen years ago, everyone involved is suddenly thrust into a new experience--the 'blended family.' This occurs even if the children do not live in the same household with the parent who remarries. Since children generally spend weekends, holidays, or extended summer visits with their natural parent and new stepparent, everyone involved needs opportunities and activities that provide a sense of belonging. A...