BLENDED FAMILY...Building a Life Together

I started my single parent journey a little over 8 years ago in what then seemed a somewhat unconventional manner. I turned 35 and realized that it was very unlikely that I would meet someone to have a family with before it was too late. I did some research and found an organization, Single Mothers by Choice (SMC). I was inspired by this growing demographic of women who, like me, had focused on their careers, hadn't met the right person, and hadn't wanted to compromise for the sake of having a child. All of us still wanted to have children, most of us were college educated and financially stable. All of us were either considering whether to have a child on our own, or had made the decision and were starting the process, or were already mothers. We turned to each other for support and community, and our kids knew that there were others out there like them, in this relatively new family structure. As I sit down to write this today, I am in a different part of my journey as a pare...

Many adults are getting married with children already in the wings. The result - blended families - can be greatly rewarding, although not without conflict. This article highlights some areas of concern for blended families and how to deal with them. It is not uncommon these days for couples to pursue remarriage with children already in tow. Blended family statistics show that at least one in three Americans is now a stepchild, stepparent, a stepsibling, or some part of a blended family. Blended families are usually the result of remarriage after divorce, where both bride and groom have kids under their wings. Or perhaps it's a first time wedding for two single parents. Whatever the reason, families that are united by virtue of marriage and not blood are on the rise, bringing hope and stability to many people's lives. Blended Family Remarriage Conflicts It's not much of a surprise, however, that kids who suddenly have to deal with a "stepmother" or "s...

Outside of the land of television and movies, so-called “blended families” face tremendous challenges. Whereas Hollywood can help their “make-believe” families “blend” rather nicely, real life isn’t always so kind. When a couple remarries and there are children involved, it’s crucial for this new family unit to really feel like a family. In Resolving Conflict in the Blended Family by Tom and Adrienne Frydenger, the authors suggest that one of the most effective ways for creating that sense of family is the “team building” concept. Here’s how it works – 1. A team builder values other people. If there are step-children in the home who feel their opinions don’t matter, they’ll be less likely to want to be a part of this new blended family unit. 2. A team builder isn’t quick to judge the opinions of others. They know that these differences aren’t necessarily right or wrong – just different. 3. A team builder views these differences as opportunities for growth. They prov...

Many families today are blending members from past relationships. It would be easy to give up when faced with all the conflicting methods of parenting and discipline that come to a family who has joined forces together. As I was doing research for a recent book, I interviewed a young counselor at a youth camp. I was impressed with her sincerity, maturity, and gratitude that her “blended family" had made the effort and sacrifice to work together toward a common goal. She admitted that she was the instigator of most of the conflict and absolutely refused to cooperate on even the most menial request by her step-mother. She could tell that the adults were becoming increasingly unhappy and stressed and she was secretly glad that they were suffering. Then an interesting thing happened. She was invited to spend a weekend with a friend and she saw what happens when families get along and support one another. The family held a family meeting to decide about some upcoming projects and cho...

Hope springs eternal, and there’s nowhere that’s more true than a couple taking the leap of faith into a second marriage. To all those who dare to hope that their second marriage (or third, or fourth) will be better than the last, I say congratulations and good luck! It takes a lot of courage to open your heart to try again! But also, take heed: you’ll have a much better chance of success if you follow some very important guidelines, particularly if either of you have children. Let’s face it: relationships can be a challenge. Any long term relationship between two people moves through a set of predictable and important stages, each stage bringing something rich and healing to the partners, and each stage filled with snags and potholes along the way, any one of which can capsize a relationship. In a first marriage, these developmental stages usually start out in the open – that is, without the complications of children. For instance, most couples usually go through an initial period of ...

Do you know parents in blended families arugue over discipline issues? Both partners come into the marriage with their own parenting styles, and these styles can be very different. However, when the couple works together they can blend their individual styles to create the best way to correct the children. Read on to discover communication tips on how to find unity parenting step-children. The following question is one of the most common that I get from parents of blended families. Question: My wife and I have been married for two years. She has a son by a previous marriage. We argue frequently about how to discipline him. I think she is way too lenient and she thinks I am too strict. How do we resolve this? Answer: This is a common scenario. One of the most important principles is to present a united front to the child. Any disagreements you have about disciplining the child should occur behind closed doors, not in front of the child. Try to negotiate and find a common ground before t...

As a psychologist and counselor practicing in the Woodstock-Cary-Algonquin-Crystal Lake and Lake in the Hills areas of Illinois, I find that there are 21 essentials you can expect when receiving counseling for problems in your blended family. But first, what are the signs of blended family problems? 1. Conflicting parenting practices between biological and stepparents 2. Child rejects the stepparents disciplinary practices 3. Biological parent foments dislike for stepparent 4. Biological and stepparent compete for power and control 5. Conflict develops among the children in the blended family 6. Ex-spouse interferes with the blended familys lifestyle 7. Childs behavior problems become personalized by the adults, causing fracture within the family system If this sounds like your family, you should seek counseling. But when you begin treatment, what will your counselor do? How does marriage and family counseling for blended families work? 1. Your therapist will he...

Take the Carringtons from "Dynasty," add 100 percent more humor and 200 percent more color and you have the Thornes, a family who puts the "fun" in dysfunctional in the sitcom "Half & Half." And while the title sounds like something you put in your coffee, there's nothing halfhearted about the UPN show, which is one of the most popular series on television with Black audiences. It also has earned nods from the NAACP, which honored the sitcom with four Image Award nominations--including one for Outstanding Comedy Series--a first for the show in its two-year run on UPN. And signs are pointing to a third season of Monday night mayhem for the sitcom, which chronicles the adventures of two adult half-sisters with the same father who grew up in different homes and are trying to bond for the first time in their lives. There's a lot of reality in the silliness that is our show," says Telma Hopkins, who stars as Phyllis Thorne, the ex-wife of Sa...

Remarriage is tricky. Actually, marriage of any kind is tricky. To have a healthy marriage or remarriage, you need to develop many skills and have great determination to succeed. Remarriage, though, has far more challenges than a first marriage. The good news, though, is that if you can get past those challenges, remarriage can be magic! Here are five ways you can create a magical remarriage. 1. Remarriages often don’t work because of all the baggage that the couple brings into the marriage with them. A person who has been divorced usually has more hurt, anger and fear than a person who is getting married for the first time. A person whose spouse has died, has grief and often guilt or anger to contend with. All of this emotion comes into the new marriage right along with the couple. To have a great remarriage, you need to be aware of the baggage as you go into your new marriage, and you need to accept it. Awareness and acceptance combined have amazing powers to heal. Start ...

All families struggle at times to be happy, but blended families often have bigger obstacles to face than others. For instance, the quality of the relationship between the stepparent and the stepchildren has a big impact on the level of happiness in a blended family. Loyalty issues with the biological children and knowing how to discipline also add major complications. To meet these challenges well, a husband and wife must make their relationship to each other the top priority ( Genesis 2:24 ). All efforts toward a happy home are useless if you don't consider your spouse's feelings and make decisions together. A spouse whose feelings are ignored will begin to feel neglected, insecure, and unloved, which creates unhappiness. It's important for spouses to discuss everything and make decisions only after they have come to an agreement. It takes a lot of time to build loving relationships in a blended family. Emotional bonds don't happen overnight, and it's unrealistic...

Pain travels. Over the treacherous waters of the Caribbean Sea, across the majestic mountains and waves of grain of the United States, sorrow arrives at a small Longview house. That's where Amber Collins sits at the computer, feeling the agony of the street children and young slave boys and girls of Haiti, known in that country as "restaveks." The word is Creole for "stay with." Most of the time, these rural Haitian youngsters are sent by their families to stay with relatives --- godparents or aunts and uncles --- who live in the large cities. The children's parents hope they will find education and employment there, but instead the children end up working hard for no money or food and are often physically and sexually abused. The echoes of their anguish stick with Amber, especially when she looks into the eyes of the children born to her and her husband, former Haiti resident Abdias Calixte. Filled with love and laughter, the Longview children...

I’ll never forget it. Elizabeth Einstein, a well-respected stepfamily author and trainer, stunned a group of ministers when she told us to make remarriage difficult for couples in our churches (1). She wasn’t implying that remarriage is wrong, but was simply suggesting that remarriage—particularly when children are involved—is very challenging and that couples should count the cost and be highly educated about the process before getting married. Eyes Wide Open The following list represents key "costs" and "challenges" every single-parent (or those dating a single-parent) should know before deciding to remarry. Open wide both your eyes now and you—and your children—will be grateful later. 1. Wait 2-3 years following divorce or the death of your spouse be...